Thinking Back

Sitting here at home all alone during the day is something new to me. Jay has work training this week and of course the kids are at school. I've been spending a lot of time on my birth board on babycenter.com lately. Reading all the posts about woman getting pregnant out of nowhere and not trying has really got me thinking about my whole experience with trying to get pregnant. I struggled for 7 years with trying to have another baby. My (ex) husband and I started "trying" not long after we got married. I already had Matt and Bri, I was married, had a job, and all I wanted was one more baby. He wasn't really mature now that I think about it and now I'm glad that we never had a baby together. The 6 years that we were trying were hell. He wasn't into the whole actively trying thing where you actually do more than just have sex. Not to mention, we rarely had sex. After having Bri I was on Depo-Provera for about a year. The birth control pill didn't do it for me since I was on that when I got pregnant with Briahnna. I had no idea the shot would cause so many problems for me though. My cycles basically stopped after I was done with the depo shot completely. After 4 years it started to come back again but I was lucky to get one period a year. I went to 3 different Dr.'s to talk about my weird cycles and every one of them decided the only thing they wanted to do for me was give me birth control. Even after telling them that I was trying to get pregnant, birth control pills was their only suggestion for me. UGH I HATE DR'S! Over the course of the 5 years I had given up getting pregnant, since after all... you have to have a period to get pregnant. It was more of an emotional roller coaster than it was physical. My cousin got pregnant and gave birth, lost custody of 2 of her kids, I pretty much raised my bff's daughter because she was always working so much that her daughter didn't want anyone but me. I watched several other woman have babies, babysat several babies over the years, looking at each baby, sitting with the mother in the hospital after they gave birth, watching them blow off every important milestone with their child was a heartbreaking experience for me. I feel blessed to have been a part of so many important babies' lives but at the same time, I desperately wanted another of my own. Sept. 2009 I met Jay. We lived in different towns and with his work schedule we only had 2 days a week to hang out with each other. He would come over on his day's off every week. I don't think either of thought about our future at that point or where things would go, we were more or less just going with the flow. I really liked it that way. I didn't feel pressured into a relationship but felt that I definitely could see myself spending the rest of my life with this man. He was wonderful in so many ways. He reminded me of my dad. I think that's how I knew he was the one. It took someone special to remind me of him. My sister's friend asked us one day to run to the store for her to get a pregnancy test. I was all for it just because it gave me an excuse to leave my house! While on the subject of pregnancy though, I made it a point to let Jay know that I didn't think that I could have any more kids and if he wanted kids of his then he should probably just move on. He was okay with it though. Things with us moved really fast. In November we moved in together. April of 2010 Jay suggested that we "try" to get pregnant. I prepared myself for failure and disappointment but agreed to it because of course, I would love to have another baby. Jay and I discussed many different options when it came to things to help us get pregnant with out a Dr. The key was to regulate my cycles and learn about ovulation timing. We tried Fertilaid first. For 2 months we both took 3 pills a day. Jay felt better but nothing changed with me. I was still having irregular cycles though now they were coming more often than they did in the last 8 years. Now they were around every 2-3 months. We stopped the Fertilaid since they were getting a tad expensive. I was charting my bbt (basal body temp) and learning that I was ovulating, it was just way late in my cycle. Other than that, I had a normal LP (luteal phase) which is crucial to the first week of pregnancy. Months passed and nothing was happening for us, nothing with my cycles were changing. In Sept. I had a strange cycle. It lasted about 15 days. October 1st a new cycle began again. Day 1, I started taking Vitex regularly. I had about 5 bottles of the vitamins for about 6 months and just never took them right. They tasted horrible and made me gag. I sucked it up though and took them, 2 pills, 2 times a day. October 19th, I ovulated early. Early for me anyway, normally I didn't ovulate until around cycle day 52 or later. I started testing way too early and every one of them showed up negative. I was losing hope and Allison kept telling me that I was just testing too early and she just KNEW that I was pregnant. My LP is 12 days, which means that 12 days after I ovulate, I'm pretty much guaranteed to start a new period. I woke up on day 13 after ovulation and my bbt was still high. I ran to the bathroom cause I knew it was going to be positive and amazingly IT WAS! 


      So here I am at 17 weeks pregnant and still very excited and in disbelief. I've had 3 appointments so far, have my u/s scheduled, been busy with planning everything that I can and so many emotions rolling through me at once. 


ANXIETY: Between my Dr. appointments, Matt's Dr. appointments, school meetings, meeting with a counselor for Matt, the kids' tutoring, and Jay's work schedule, I feel extremely overwhelmed with everything. I'm trying to alleviate some of the stress though by planning for all of the stuff that we will need for the baby. I have searched online for most stuff that we will need and marked down prices just so at least I feel in control over something in my life right now. 
EXHAUSTION: Most say that you gain some of your energy back in the 2nd trimester but my energy has left and apparently decided that it found a better home cause none of it has came back yet. I usually go back to sleep in the mornings during weekdays, it's becoming exhausting to just get out of bed at 6:00am every day. This week I have not gone back to sleep though. I'm trying to enjoy all the "me" time that I'm getting since Jay is working normal 8-4 hours this week and the kids are at school during the day. I have though had a tendency to fall asleep in the car. 
MORNING SICKNESS: Another one of those things that is supposed to slow down/disappear in the 2nd trimester. Not for me though. I still get sick just about every day. I'm not going to say that I enjoy the morning sickness because, well, let's face it, even those that make themselves vomit.... hate vomiting! But I will say that as much as I hate it, I do welcome it. After all, it's a sign that the baby is doing good and my body is doing what it's supposed to. 


It's nice to have the reassurance that I get just by touching my belly though. My uterus is bigger than it should be at this point which could mean that the baby is bigger than normal right now. I expect that though given how much Jay weighed at birth. Feeling how hard my stomach gets each day is an amazing family but I really can't wait to start feeling the baby move. Hopefully soon though!